My late Boyfriend.



First, I'd like to let you know about "us".

:)


2009

We are on our 2nd grade of Vocational High School in Jakarta. As I can remember, he added me on facebook *well I don't really know this guy as I only have a real conversation mostly with his friends* and he is too 'quite' for me, *I might be wrong :p

One day he realised that I ride a motorbike to school, and he knew we lived nearby. He asked if he can join me home everyday as I will dropped him first anyway *I know most of you will laugh on this haha but I say yes, and yes I'll drop him somewhere close to his home. Every morning he waits in front of Cinere Mall and we ride to school together, everyday. Aaaand we officially in a relationship 2 months later. It was on the 11th of October 2009.

That's how the relationship goes.... go to school together everyday, ride back home, an also bike tourings (he had his own motorbike after a few months, he named it "The Black Mamba" his one and only bike until his very last day in this world.

We did see a lot of things together, we planned so much for the "future"... (just like an ordinary couple do), had English courses after school, we even competed whose having a better score in English on our national exam -well, he won that time :D , graduated high school, went to the same college, we've been through a lot.. together for years.

Until 2013, we were 19 years old that time. With a very unstable situations and well... teenager relationship, you can imagine right :') we broke up after 4 years together.

What's going on since 2013 to 2016?

Myself and Rusdi are actually still keep in touch -sometimes-, even when I had boyfriend once. he still comes to my house every Idul Fitri / Eid to meet my family (most of the time I was not there), he went to my sister's house in Solo every time he is around to meet my niece, Chinta (She was born in 2011) and Rusdi said every time he looks at her eyes, he sees me. They were really sweet together, I love them both so much :)

That time, he oftenly touring to distant areas to reduce the feeling of his longing for me...

I broke up with my boyfriend in early 2015, I was not in any relationship for almost 1,5 year after.

We have the same 'inner circle' in our high school, and every single time I met them, I'll have a 'recent updates' about him and I believe he did too. x)

So, we both actually up-to-date to each other's "latest news".

Up until 2016,

I had a job in central Jakarta area since 2014.

In April, he sent me a message in the morning to ask if I have lunch suggestion for him around my office area, *hmmm.. we usually call it "modus" in bahasa lol x))

and.. we end up had lunch together. He posted his location and tagged me in on 'Path' -one of the most famous social media in Indonesia that time, and well.... we got so many notifications of "teasing" comments from our friends! hahaha

Then we start to communicate often again after a long time.

On the 4th of June 2016, we had a short trip to Bandung, I asked Lintang (one of our college friend who is also my boarding house-room mate) to join.

A bit awkward. Yes, been years x)

As usual, he led the trip and he also made the itinerary (yes he is very good in that), hours passed and it gets.. less awkward for both of us. hahaha

The day after, I can't stop thinking about 'us".

Sitting besides him along the way,  aaand... listening to his playlist (which mostly are love songs. I know he had prepared it in advance, lol)
and there was a song titled "Kali Kedua" or "The Second Time" sung by Raisa, which is quite.... hmm.... I can't even explain the feeling when I listen to it, you can try listen to it to get the idea. It has a simple yet beautiful lyrics how happy she is to finally 'back' together after years with her lover. Now you got the idea, don't you?? x)

We had a very good time there, visited quite a few places and it was my first time visit most of the destinations.

And there was a time when we were heading to Jakarta, I asked him to stop to a fruit stall on the street side for a few mins and we dropped by the gift shop after (our last stop before Jakarta). Rusdi is waiting at the parking lot and Lintang said to me that as long as I was outside -busy with choosing the fruits on our previous stop-, Rusdi said to Lintang that he really wants "us" together again.

He can see that I've changed a lot in a good way for the past 3 years.. (and prettier, maybe? x)) he was really happy to see there were so many self-improvements I had and he said that I was just like a 'flying bird' right now, flying as high as I can, but he doesn't want to stop me. He doesn't want to 'disturb' my wings if we'll be together again.. (he wants me to focus on my goals rather than to keep me busy with our relationship) but he said that he will always wait. And if one day I feel like I want to go "home", there he is. He wishes that anywhere I go, I always know where my "home" is.... It's him.

Yes, even Lintang almost in tears to say this. And...I was happy, moved, sad, everything at the same time. I just smiled to her, speechless.

Then we were heading to Jakarta after, a bit awkward again -for me- :p

We dropped Lintang first to her home and... It gets more awkward for just two of us in the car, lol. We have around 2 hours to his home. Tomorrow was the first day of Ramadhan so we decided to have the first Tarawih prayers at the mosque besides his house.

We talked a lot along the way, he asked how's my life going, my family, my job, my friends.. and I found that I really miss this moment. To share again everything to my used-to-human-diary.

Day after day passed, we were communicating intensively, he start to do what he used to do in the past, he starts to pick me up from home to work, drove me home, wake me up by phone call for Sahur, and say goodnight (though we haven't had a chance to have a "real" conversation those days).

On the 16th June 2016, we decided to meet (after had a 6 hours call last night up to Sahur time to continue our "real" conversation) we finally decided to get back together, again. We realised that it was on the 16th, we do love that number, mine and his birthday were on the 16th too.

And you know whatttt? he gave me his diary. Yes a boy's diary x) , he wrote there every time he missed me. He said "Here is my dairy, -of you. ....Don't read it now!" lol, I tried to opened it in front of him x)) and he said "You'll need to continue the book" I was confused.. what to write? now every time I miss you I can just call, right? ;) -But it was before the "day" in October..

I cried that night at 2am early morning reading through the book, not too many pages, but I can really know how much he loves me..

And, yes.. we were together again :)
This time, I found that it was easier for us as we were grown up, it was easier to understand each other, we communicate better (even it's normal to have a bit problem sometimes of course), but I feel that this time was so much different.. in a good way.

I never been this happier before. I feel completed, and I feel there were nothing to be worried, as I'm sure that I'll have an amazing future with him. He said that he feels the same. And we were just like two love birds who were found each other again. He oftenly said "You are home for me :) " 

So now we were having two homes then? lol ;)

We did quite a lot in a few months, we planned sooo many things, we went to our friend's wedding together and we talk about futures happily :)

---

And,

It was 11th October 2016.

It was a few months ago. He sent me a good morning messages which I replied 40 mins after around 6:30am, I slept late that night before, at 1:00am in the morning, while I also realised that it was 11th of October, it was the day he said "would you be mine?" 7 years ago, in 2009.

I captured him my home wallpaper showing the date and our photo on the background before I slept that night. He replied with a kiss emoticon that morning and I kept sending him pictures from facebook 7 years ago - I love to tease him so much, lol. Then we told each other what's our activity plan that day as usual. He said he'll go to Bogor after he drove his mom to the office, he said if the weather is clear he will ride his bike to Bogor from home, if it's not then he will drive his car, as I always worry to see him ride his motorbike (even if I know that he's a really good rider) I checked the weather forecast app on my phone and I sent him, it says that it will rain in the afternoon in Bogor.

Then we keep sending messages while he was driving and I was preparing myself to go to the office. I arrived to the office around 9.30 and left my phone on my working desk while preparing myself to go for a meeting at one of the University in South Jakarta at 1pm.

I finally checked my phone at 11.20am and found he sent me a last message at 9.59am to say "I'm going in 5mins and ride my bike to Bogor" and then I reply -even it's too late actually, to say "hati-hati ya" while wondering to myself why he still choose to ride as I told him before it's going to rain? but, okay I believe he will be okay.

It's 12.48pm in the afternoon, I arrived to my client and sent him a message to tell him I was arrived, I'm a bit curious why he didn't chat me yet as Bogor is not that far but I head straight to my client's office.

At 1.45pm I re-checked my phone while waiting for my taxi to come and I sent him a message "I just finished" when at the same time there's a chat notification from one of our closest friend Ramzi, he asked me about Rusdi's condition, and he wants to make sure if I know that he had an accident a few hours ago from Ka Reza's (Rusdi's brother) facebook status, he asked his friends to pray for his brother as he just got an accident at 11am on his way to Bogor.

....

Ramzi sent me the screen capture of the facebook status and I rush to call Rusdi cause I still don't believe with everything I just heard. I know he will always answer to my phone call no matter what he is doing, I try to call his mobile, the first number.. the second number.. no answer. I tried to contact his mom but I know she must be in a rush too, so I hang up.

I was barely breathing.

Then Ramzi trying to find out the latest information from another relatives and sent me an update that he is in a comma and still in Bogor hospital to be referred to a hospital in Depok, his dad was there with him already and Ramzi sent me a picture of Rusdi laying in the hospital with oxygen, some abrasions on his feet, and seems he had a femur fracture too.

I rush myself -with tears on my eyes- to go to Depok, found that he was not arrived yet (it was at 4.45pm) there was only Adri, one of our high school best friend. Then I try to contact his brother via facebook messages and he said that they are still waiting for the intensive care ambulance to come, the current hospital doesn't have it, unfortunately. :(

They arrived around 7pm, I can see the ambulance stopped followed by his car with his family in it. I tried to get closer to the ambulance with my shaking feet and greeted his family, and the ambulance door opened..
there.. I saw him laying on the ambulance cot, his eyes closed, with respiratory equipments. There were 3 ambulance attendants trying to lift his cot and put him to the Emergency -Intensive Care Unit room. There were our families, our relatives, our friends, coming in and waiting for his CT scan and roentgen results.

It was around 10pm when the Doctor asked his parents to come in to see the results and my mom whispered to me "go inside and hold his hand if you can" then I followed his parents to the room.

First thing, doctor said that he had a femur fracture on his right, rib fractures, he also had lung, liver and kidney injuries...
Then... Doctor said he had a DAI (Diffuse Axonal Injury), it's one of the most common and devastating types of traumatic brain injury, the outcome is frequently comma, with over 90% of patients with severe DAI never regaining consciousness, and those who do wake up often remain significantly impaired. His GCS (Coma Scale) is around 4 that time, healthy people will have 15 -maximum and asked all of his family and friends to pray and hope for the best, and get ourselves prepared for any-thing....

I don't want to hear anything after.... I turned my feet to where he is, I stopped at the door and I can't even hold his hand as.. there he is.. lying, pale, with all the intensive care equipments around him to support his life. I can't describe my feelings. I want to run and scream, but I found myself standing there quietly with.... my screaming mind.

As I knew that he will be moved to ICU / ICCU room, I was waiting for him to be prepared by the nurses to go upstairs, then I followed them to go to the 2nd floor, with his family. And we can't go inside until they called us. I went back to my parents as they need to go home and take my backpack upstairs, I don't want to go anywhere.. I want to be as close as I can to him. I was waiting at the ICU waiting room while everyone waiting downstairs.

Around 1 hour later, the waiting room's phone ringing, I rushed myself to answer the phone and yes, the nurse wants to see his parents, I asked my friend who is downstairs to tell Rusdi's dad to come and we both entered the room, then the nurse asked what happened to him, and that was how I knew Rusdi was in a high speed on his motorbike, until suddenly there was a driver turned her car to the right without giving a sign and didn't realise there was a motorbike in a high speed on her right, too. He then fell off from his bike and thrown to the other way while there was a public transportation car hits him..
He actually still conscious that time and still had a chance to asked a police officer to take his phone under the motorbike's seat and call his dad and his brother, then when his dad arrived at the hospital, he still able to say that he is in pain and he lost his consciousness a few moments later..

..........

I turned my feet to get closer to him after giving mine and his parent's number for his emergency contact and I finally can see him closer...

but there he is, sleeping.. or just quietly close his eyes but he sees me? I have no idea.. I hold his hand, while hold my tears too.. and whispered to him "I love you sayang, wake up soon.." then I couldn't even speak anymore. I touched his feet.. pale and cold.

And there I saw his dad looking at him with... the feeling that can't be explained just like what I feel. Then we both left the room, and at 1am in the morning I moved to sleep in the hospital mosque downstairs as his dad and his brother were standby in the ICCU waiting room. Being accompanied by Sovie and Lintang to stay overnight, we slept in the mosque, I pray and can't handle my tears anymore.... I felt so tired but I can't even closed my eyes, when I did, I can't shut my mind. 

Until around 3am, I drowsed myself there between my girls and awake at 4am, I pray and go back to the ICU waiting room at 5.30am, as Lintang and Sovie need to leave earlier, I was sitting there myself waiting for his dad to come as his brother still asleep at the corner of the room, I was curious if there were any good news from the doctor / nurses while I was not there.

A few minutes later, his dad came and sat besides me, he said that there was a neurologist met him at 4am and said that... his GCS is only 3 now.. he is not getting better, at all.... And his dad said that we need to be ready with anything that might happened that day.

I nodded to said 'yes I'll be ready for anything that might happened' with my un-explainable feelings and tears in my eyes.

I grabbed my prayer beads, I pray, and I cried... a lot.

His mom and sister came a few mins after and her sister excused herself to go to her campus a few mins away from the hospital to do the final exam. His mom said that she got the update of Rusdi's conditions this morning, but she was also managed to contact a relative who is also a neurologist to see what's her advise. Then his mom said "if we got a chance to see him today, we need to talk to him as usual, tell him story, your daily activities, etc.. to stimulated his thinking and to train him to remember.." I nodded.

It was 9.30 when the waiting area's phone ringing, I picked up the phone and the nurse asked Rusdi's family to come in, there was a doctor waiting for us inside. Three of us went into the room, I've been being impatient to see him today, a bit shaking but I managed myself to stay calm. 

There he is, still in the same position, covered by white hospital blanket, and those intensive care equipments surrounded him.

...................

We were seated 2 metres away from him, I don't really remember what the doctor said but she actually just repeating all the informations given earlier. If I'm not mistaken... his GCS is only 3, which is the lowest level of consciousness (from 15), his body wasn't responded to any medicines given since last night, no urination - means that kidneys were not responding... 

His mom grabbed and hold my hand, I see their faces.. I was sure they are shocked, but they were really really strong. I can't even describe how hurts it was to hear everything but they were still trying to calm me down. I cried silently.. I hold her hand tighter while still trying my best to stay calm. 

Here is the moment when you really-want to scream out loud but you don't even have any power to. 

Then the doctor asked his parent's permission to give additional tools for his ribs but they said no, as it might hurt him more. Then they signed some papers from the doctor and I walk slowly to him... to my favorite boy, my silly best friend, my crazy adventurer, my favorite travel mate, who is just laying-steadily, there.

I hold his hand carefully, touched his cold-and-pale feet, touched his hair.. the way he always loved me to do but in a different way as I was too scared if he is in pain.. I don't know why it was too hard to find my voice, but I tried.

I said "Sayang..." I hold my tears, and continue to speak as his mom told me to. "Sayang, I know you can do this :( I believe God will heal you, don't you want to wake up to see me? .... I miss you... let's eat.... let's go wherever you want to take me to... you know what? you always want to introduce me to your grandparents right? I met them last night, my parents met them too... our parents met... I met your community friends... all of your wishes-for me just happened last night... we are now waiting for you to see us, again.. It's just a few days before your birthday, I've bought something for you... you must be so curious of what it is right?.... let's celebrate it.. I can't wait to celebrate it with you... wake up.... I promise to cook you something... I'll learn how to be a great chef for you, I'll cook you everything... everything..... you want. ..................."

and I realised there were tears came from his eyes..........

God.. he is listening to me. And at the same time, my tears unexpectedly stop.

How do I feel?

At that time, I was sitting next to the person.. who, I talked to everyday.. intensively. The first person who I text in the morning, and say good night. The person who I always love since 7 years ago, even if we're apart, even if I don't even really know what's happening to him for the past 3 years. But he still trying to keep a good relationship between us and he oftenly visit my family even while I'm away. The person who made me think that 16 is really a special number (our birth date and our 2nd anniversary date), the person who made me giggle just when I remember how amusing he is, the person whose love is unconditional, the person who always bring me gifts and surprises, the person who always care to every-single-little-thing of me, the person who called me "home", the person whose lately called me "light" who leads him to home, the person who is waiting.. and waiting for me to come back, the person whose having the most comfortable hug, the person whose jokes I always miss, the person who always think that he never 'completed' me enough, the person whose future plan is all about "us", the person who always prepare an itinerary for our trip, the person who always give me bolster every time I've started to be grumpy in the car-to make me sleep-really-really-soon (when he drives too fast for me), the person who loves to tease me a lot to make me laugh, the person who will never let you walk alone, the person who always answer to my phone call.

Another doctor came closer to us, he put his palm on my shoulder "Are you his girlfriend? :)" "Yes..." he gave me a bitter smile and said "Could you tell me what happened to him?" I told him what happened and he seems.. speechless. And he glanced to one of the monitor besides Rusdi, and said "....then, could you please ask his parents to come here?" I just realised they both left the room, I went to the waiting room and ask them to come.

There were 3 doctors now besides him. One of them is the ICU Doctor, who talked to his parents. Well she actually just repeating all the information, but.. she told us that she has been in hospital for years and handling thousands of patients with similar condition to Rusdi, but only miracle might help them.. and most of them can't survived. .........I was hardly breathing.

I stood silently while staring at him.. "You can do this, baby. Please.. move your hands.. tell them they are wrong."

Then the doctor look at those medical monitoring equipments and said "His blood pressure is getting drop, please start to pray beside him.." those machines and equipment beeping oftenly now. And his mom starts to pray and whisper into his right ear. His dad and brother both holding his feet to keep them warm. I moved closer, and here I am standing besides him, holding his cold hands, put my praying beads on his hands while.. pray.. pray for him to wake up? pray for the best? I don't know. I was losing my mind. I know what will happened but I won't tell myself.

I feel like I was going to fall but if... this is the last time I can see him breathing.. God, please make me strong enough. I want to stay, looking at him for...... hours.. minutes.. or even seconds? I don't want to leave.

I can't whisper him prayers on his left ear, as there were too many supporting equipments besides him. I asked a nurse to let me tucked myself between the wall and his headboard... I whispered prayers into his left ears, then I don't really remember this moment, but I realised at that time, all the machines were beeping... noisily.. seeking for an immediate attention.

I finally said "Sayang, if you want to leave, please do.. Insha Allah I'll sincerely let you go..." ....

then I whispered the second shahada into his ear.. then doctors came closer to us and ask me and his mom to step aside.

Then they were checking the pulse on his wrist, checked the pupillary response... 

I know where's this going to be.... 

They keep checking, looking at the monitor, and the doctor said to his mom "Mam.., let us print his last heart beat."

.................................
............. Last?

Then she came to his mom again.. with a rolled paper, with a flat line on it. Yes.. flat. flat line... straight line... 

Doctor said "............ it was at 10.30............ " I don't remember or even listened to her words anymore.

I stunned. silently.

There were also people who came to visited him as it was visiting hours, I saw them hugged his mom... I heard someone's crying... I don't know what's happening around me.

Everyone left the room, it just me and a nurse besides him. I looked at him blankly. No tears, no words, nothing.

The nurse came closer and said to me that I need to wait outside as they will start to release all of those medical equipments and tools on him.

I stunned but I tried to walk slowly leaving the room and sitting cross-legged besides the window, outside his room.

I don't know what to do now.

A few mins later I start to call my dad, I can't said that word. I can't let my mouth said that 'He passed away' no. no. but I tried to call him again a few minutes later and say what happened.

It's hard but finally I can talk to 3 of our friends that he is no longer here. And asked them to tell everyone. I just can't.

I ensure that I'll never leave him even just for a second before the funeral tomorrow. So, I was sitting beside his bed for a few hours before he transferred to the mortuary, I was in the ambulance while he transferred to home, I sleep closely with him that night in his living room, and I was in the ambulance sitting besides his casket to the funeral.

To be honest, this was not easy.
But people won't see me cry at that time.

I felt like I've been dead even before he is completely gone. 
Crying is really normal, we are human. But I've been crying even before no one besides me. I've been crying a lot when people are not around. My body cried, my soul cried.
And if you never had this situation before, you will not understand how painful it was.

But then again, I never expected to be this strong as what you can see, and as what I see in myself these days. 

And there He is, God. He is the one who brings death and the creator of life. He bring loves, He bring strength, He brought "us" together, and He said "Laa Tahzan, Innallaha Ma’ana" which means "Don't be sad. Allah is with us." [9:40].


And there is one thing we should always remember...

"...Even if something doesn't last forever, doesn't mean that it is not worth your time..."



Rest In Peace, and always in our hearts..

Rusdianto Adi Putranto bin Erwin Hudoyono









 


Until we meet again... :')


Jakarta, 9th of June 2017.
Ramadhan 1438H

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